The Unofficial Script for Every Awkward Fertility Conversation

"Have you tried just relaxing?" Cue the eye roll.

By the time you started fertility treatment, you were ready for the needles. You were ready for the waiting rooms. You were ready for the early mornings and the bloodwork and the bills. What nobody warned you about was your second cousin at the family barbecue. Your well-meaning aunt who knows a guy. Your coworker with a podcast recommendation. Your friend whose sister-in-law swears by a tea. Everyone seems to have an opinion about your body, and often, you don't even ask for it.

Roughly 1 in 6 people worldwide experience fertility challenges. That's a lot of people having a lot of awkward conversations. Sometimes the most merciful thing you can do for everyone involved is have a response ready.

This blog includes a collection of comments you'll probably hear, with response options you can make your own. There's also a section on what good support sounds like, which has a way of making the unhelpful kind easier to spot. The goal is for you to have a few lines in your back pocket so the next moment feels less like an ambush.

two women hugging. One of the women are rolling their eyes

Well-Meaning Comments That Miss the Mark

Most of these comments come from people who love you. They mean well, but they have no idea what they just said. Having a few responses ready takes the pressure off of you, so you're not scrambling for words the next time it happens.

You also don't owe every person the same answer, or even an answer at all. A coworker and a close friend don't get the same response, and that's fine. The stigma around fertility challenges is well-documented. But apparently nobody told the woman in line behind you at Kroger. Choosing what to share, and with whom, is part of getting through treatment.

Each scenario below offers three response options scaled by energy level. The Gracious response is for the days you have the bandwidth to educate. The Direct response is for the days you want the conversation to end. The Exit Line is for the days you'd rather fake a phone call than answer one more question about your uterus.

"Have You Tried Just Relaxing?"

The classic opener. Most people offering this advice have never had a transvaginal ultrasound at 7 a.m. on a Tuesday. They read one article about cortisol and now they're a consultant. The suggestion is that your fertility challenges would resolve themselves if you took a bath.

Gracious: "I appreciate that. There's actually a medical piece we're working through with our doctor, so it's a bit more layered than stress."
Direct: "Relaxation isn't really the issue here, but thanks for thinking of me."
Exit line: "Oh, you know me, always working on it. How's your week going?"

"My Friend's Cousin Tried [X] and Got Pregnant Right Away"

The “cousin” is always one degree removed. The “intervention” is always something you've already tried, can't try, or that has nothing to do with your diagnosis. The story usually arrives mid-bite, probably at a restaurant where you can't easily leave.

Gracious: "That's so great for them. We're working with our care team on a plan that fits our diagnosis."
Direct: "We're following our doctor's lead on this one."
Exit line: "That's a sweet story. Anyway, did you see the game last weekend?"

two women engaged in a conversation, holding hands. One of the women look uncomfortable

"Everything Happens for a Reason"

This one usually comes from someone who loves you and doesn't know what else to say. The phrase asks you to accept that the hardest thing in your life is part of a plan, which is a lot to take on while you're trying to balance everything all at once. You don't have to.

Gracious: "I know that brings you comfort. I'm in a place right now where it lands a little differently for me."
Direct: "That's not really how I'm thinking about it, but I appreciate you."
Exit line: "Mm. Anyway, the weather has been wild this week, hasn't it?"

"Why Don't You Just Adopt?"

The word "just" is doing more work in that sentence than most people do in a week. Adoption is a years-long, expensive, deeply personal process with its own waitlists and heartbreaks. The speaker has thought about this for roughly eleven seconds before saying it out loud.

Gracious: "Adoption is its own beautiful and complicated path. It's not really an interchangeable plan B for us right now."
Direct: "Our family-building decisions are between us and our care team."
Exit line: "It's a big topic. How's your dog doing, by the way?"

"At Least You Don't Have Kids Yet"

Almost always said by a parent who is venting about their own morning and believes they're offering perspective. They're comparing the ache of wanting a child to the experience of stepping on a Lego at 6 a.m. Those are not the same ache.

Gracious: "Parenting sounds genuinely hard, and I hear you. The thing we're going through is its own kind of hard, though."
Direct: "That's a different situation than the one I'm in."
Exit line: "Sounds like you’ve had a rough morning. Want a refill?"

an older woman and younger woman sitting on a couch having a hard conversation. The older woman has her hand on the other woman's shoulder

"You're Still Young, You Have Time"

Usually offered by someone who got pregnant the first month they tried in 1987. It ignores the diagnosis you already have, the timeline your doctor has already drawn up, and the fact that you are, by definition, already trying.

Gracious: "There's actually more going on than age for us, so we're working with a timeline our doctor has set."
Direct: "We're following our care team's guidance on the timing."
Exit line: "Thanks for that. Tell me about your trip."

"Should You Really Be Spending Money on This?"

This one stops being clumsy and starts being personal. A deeply private medical decision gets treated as an open agenda item, usually by a relative who has reframed nosiness as concern. The line between those two things is hard to find in the moment, and you don't have to find it for them.

Gracious: "We've thought about this carefully, and it's the right decision for us."
Direct: "Our medical finances aren't really open for discussion."
Exit line: "We've got it under control. Anyway, did you try the dip?"

Notice what isn't in those responses. No numbers. No defense of the cost. The whole point of the comment was to pull you into justifying yourself. You don't have to.

a woman comforting another woman during a hard conversation

When Someone Gets It Right

Good support sounds different than you might expect. It's not a perfectly worded condolence card or a binder of articles printed off the internet. It's the friend who texts "thinking of you this week, no need to respond" before a procedure. It's the sister who reads up on IVF basics on her own time so you don't have to walk her through it. It's the coworker who smoothly changes the subject when someone else asks about kids at lunch.

Research on support during treatment backs up what you already feel in those moments. Being seen by the people around you softens the experience. The people who get it right tend to ask before advising and follow your lead on what you want to talk about. If you have someone in your corner who wants to help but isn't sure how, this is a good blog to send their way.

When the person in your corner is your partner, they're in it with you. They're living their own experience and probably answering the same questions, all while trying to make sure they support you. It might be worth sharing this blog with them, so they have the script, too.

Fertility Care That Gets the Full Picture at The Fertility Wellness Institute of Ohio

You've made it through a whole blog about awkward conversations, which means you're probably ready for one that isn't. The Fertility Wellness Institute of Ohio takes the time to get to know our patients before we talk about treatment. Reach out today when you're ready to talk and make an action plan.